Michael Jackson Genome Project

by Frank Wu

To the Editor:

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to recent criticism in your esteemed journal of our work on the Human Genome Project. This multi-billion dollar project, as you know, is dedicated to sequencing all the DNA of an individual in hopes of finding cures for diseases. The criticism surrounded our choice for a funding source.

We now announce that we have obtained a new sponsor for our research: singer-musician Michael Jackson. Mr. Jackson has also volunteered to be a test subject in our studies.

We have obtained some of Mr. Jackson's excess body tissues (particularly from around the chin area) and have extracted DNA from these tissues.

We have thus begun sequencing Mr. Jackson's genome and comparing it to the available database.

A ten-amino acid portion of the gene encoding the CD20 antigen, when converted into one-letter abbreviations for the amino acids, appears thus:


This sequence was obtained from the available computer database and was derived from a normal human specimen. (See amino acids 205-214, CD20 antigen, Einfeld et al., 1988, EMBO J. 7:711-717).

However, when we sequenced the equivalent portion of the Genome of Mr. Jackson, the resulting amino acid sequence was surprising:


The CD20 antigens are otherwise identical. Considering the number of base changes needed to obtain this result, we calculate a probability of 10 (superscript) -30 that this sequence arose by spontaneous mutations. One interpretation of this finding is that Mr. Presley is attempting to communicate to this present world through biotechnology that did not exist at the time of his reported death. We are also interested in how our research may complement Mr. Jackson's previous studies in counteracting the effects of aging and his current research on human reproduction and mutation.

Finally, because of our new endowment with the Jackson Science Foundation, we are severing our financial connections with the Disney corporation and ceasing in our efforts to revive Mr. Disney from his frozen state.

Frank Wu, Ph.D.

Madison, Wisconsin


Text revised, August, 1998. Originally Published in The Journal of Irreproducible Results, 1991, Vol. 36, No. 5, pp. 1730-1731.

From: Dumispice@aol.com March 15, 1999 2:20 PM

To: Frank Wu

Subject: Michael Jackson!!!!!!!!!!

Last night I had planted a daisy in a pot of flowers in my room. It grew rather quickly and stranger - yet it was white with touches of black on it! In the morning as I awoke I heard a tiny high-pitched voice coming from the flower pot! Lo and behold it was Michael Jackson! He had grown out of this strange little flower!

What should I do with him?

I need your advice quick!!!!!!




From: Frank Wu March 15, 1999 2:39 PM

To: 'Dumispice@aol.com'

Subject: RE: michael jackson!!!!!!!!!!

From your description, it appears to me that your daisies have been blighted and overcome by a fairly common fungus, sometimes refered to as a Michaelmas jacksoni, or, more often, Flaming Hair fungus. It is very important that this pest be eradicated as quickly as possible, as your daisies may now be subject to spontaneous combustion. The soil in the flower pot should be removed and bagged. Any plants that were previously in the pot cannot be saved, as the M. j. fungi destroys them by trying to either mate with them or perform plastic surgery on them, or doing both simultaneously - yuck. Agro-K, Phyton 27 and other commercially available fungicides are therefore ineffectual. The pot itself should be carefully and thoroughly washed in a mixture of hot water and bleach.

When potting plants, also be aware that some seed packages have an expiration date stamped on them. Those of the S. Crow and S. Twain strains, for example, are expected to have a very short life expectancy and may have already exceeded their freshness dates. C. Dione also tends to spread beyond reasonable bounds and needs to be pruned back often and vigorously.

Hope this is helpful.

Frank Wu


From: Dumispice@aol.com March 15, 1999 4:33 PM

To: Frank Wu

Subject: Re: Michael Jackson!!!!!!!!!!

Wow I'm glad you gave me that advice!

But I tried to kill all of the infected ones and they just bite at me! And they got REALLY REALLY big. I'm getting a little scared because all of these horrible daisy Michaels are holding me hostage!


Luv Deedee



From: Frank Wu March 15, 1999 4:48 PM

To: 'Dumispice@aol.com'

Subject: RE: michael jackson!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't mention the potential violence of these plant menaces, because generally they don't turn bad. You are probably dealing with a rare, virulent and extremely dangerous strain.

While a sample of this unusual specimen might be interesting and useful to science, it seems that your personal safety is of utmost importance here. I suggest that you see if the local fire department is available (they may be able to subdue the pesky plants with fire hoses). Salt water, if available, is best, as it is known to be corrosive on certain plant tissues. Whatever you do, DO NOT try to use tear gas, as this has been scientifically proven to be ineffective against M.j.-infected plants, and only causes them to be even more rascally and irritable (and it's bad for you, too).

If neither salt water nor the fire department is available, and you are trapped by these potentially-violent critters, try this: As you may know, plants can be soothed and coaxed by, well, soothing and coaxing sounds. Try singing to the M.j.-infected plants. I suggest a mello, thoughtful spiritual like "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" or "Amazing Grace." Invoking the Power of God cannot hurt, in this or any other delicate situation. These melodies are, of course, best sung in a chorus. Then, while the plants are lulled into a false sense of security by your sweet, sweet voices, smite them by stomping them to death.

Frank Wu


From: Dumispice@aol.com March 15, 1999 4:57 PM

To: Frank Wu

Subject: Re: michael jackson!!!!!!!!!!

Well I think I might have made a mistake by watching Little Shop of Horrors in front of them.

But they just won't calm down I'm about to call the American leagues!!


Luv Deedee


From: Frank Wu March 15, 1999 4:57 PM

To: Dumispice@aol.com

Torch the house! Stop foolin' around and run for your lives! You might have to nuke the site from orbit - just to be sure!


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