O that my X-wing had the speed of your tongue!


A few Christmases ago, I received the book Shakespeare's Insults, by Wayne Hill and Cynthia Ottchen. The bard's barbs are an endless source of delight. A favorite from Much Ado About Nothing: "Four of his five wits went halting off, and now is the whole man governed with one." On recently rewatching the Star Wars trilogy special edition, it occurs to me that Lucas' masterpiece is also filled with wonderful put-downs, glancing blows and direct hits. C-3PO and R2-D2's verbal sparring is almost the equal of Beatrice and Benedict trading poinards. (Isn't it curious that we insult most those we love most?) For your amusement, I have listed below a number of unkind cuts from the three Star Wars movies. For each, provide the speaker (1 pt) and the insultee (1 pt), for a total of 80 pts. Just to up the challenge, I have thrown in a few jibes from Dr. Smith at the Robot in Lost in Space.

And for those purists offended by my co-mingling two distinct science fiction universes: a big Bronx cheer.


1 Rusty bucket of bolts.

2 Stupid little short-circuit.

3 Laser brain.

4 Stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder

5 You ole smoothie.

6 Blithering blatherskite.

7 You stupid lump.

8 Bumbling bucket of bolts.

9 Overweight glob of grease.

10 Slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler.

11 Slimy piece of worm-ridden filth.

12 My favorite decoration.

13 Near-sighted scrap pile.

14 Malfunctioning little twerp.

15 Pusilanious pumpkinhead.

16 You weak-minded fool.

17 Cowardly clump.

18 Pitiful little band.

19 Just a crazy old man.

20 Disgusting creatures.

21 Cantankerous, cold-hearted clod.

22 Mindless philosopher.

23 Bellicose bumpkin.

24 That old fossil.

25 Animated weather station.

26 Brutish product of the mineral world

27 Foul stench.

28 Fuzzball.

29 Bubble-headed boobie.

30 Ya ole pirate.

31 Your worshipfulness.

32 Quite a mercenary.

33 Ferrous Frankenstein.

34 You big coward.

35 Caterwauling clod.

36 My kind of scum- fearless and inventive.

37 Automated oaf

38 Big walking carpet.

39 Ninny.

40 Loser.

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